Dear Xander,

After 17.5 years of being an outdoor cat, Dad has taken away my freedom. I heard him talking on the phone and he said it’s like taking away old people’s driver’s licenses. Now I can’t go and pretend to be a stray in the neighborhood and hock food. Who’s going to control the neighborhood vermin? I know that being partially deaf, blind in one eye, and diabetic in need of two insulin shot a day probably warrants being an indoor cat, but it still sucks! I guess I should be grateful considering I’ve terrorized rodents in New Zealand, California, and Oregon my whole life going wherever I please. There has to be some type of support group or something that I can join for this. Know of any? Or maybe you can suggest the newest strain of Catnip to get me through this. I mean I don’t even know why I am writing you. You look too damn young to be giving any advice to old ladies. It’s just now I have a lot of time on my paws so I’ve turned to electronics.

At least Dad made me a Catio!

Cheers,

Baetis